I am cut to the heart. Today I heard an excellent sermon on 1 Corinthians 13 and must confess that I am an utter failure as a Christian and repent before God. It was nothing new, but I believe I was more ready to hear it now. After a sober-self assessment, I must confess that if anyone has never loved, it is I. I have rejoiced that my external conformity to God's law has increased, but neglected the very heart of obedience. I have sought to speak and write with the tongues of men and angels, and have sought to grow in my knowledge and understanding of the mysteries of life, and have trusted in God's good providence above all, and have entertained ideas of taking vows of poverty and even dream that one day I may be counted worthy to give my body for the sake of the gospel, and at last have realized it has been, is or would be all for naught. None of these works would pass through the fire of judgment. It would do me no good nor bring any glory to God, for I have no love. I do not suffer long, in fact I suffer none at all. I am not kind, only indifferent. I envy all who have what I do not possess. I can think of no one who parades himself more, nor anyone who is more puffed up about so little. I am rude to all who are not as I am, and have only ever sought my own. There is not one deed that rises up in my mind to oppose my conviction of self seeking. I have prided myself on my patience, but it is a patience of indifference. I have no tolerance for anyone who opposes my preferences. I see first always the evil, and only reluctantly accept a brother. I rejoice when judgment comes on any but myself, and despise the truth when it convicts me of sin. I have borne nothing, distrust all, hope only for final redemption and can endure only pleasure. Love never fails, but I have never succeeded. The sum of all the commandments, love God and love thy neighbor, I have missed. Oh, wretched man that I am.
I have said it is doubtful I will ever marry because it is doubtful I will ever find someone (other than Christ) who I consider worthy of me daily giving myself for. Someone who I would sacrifice my own hopes and dreams for. And while it may be true I have this freedom in choosing a mate, who am I too say who is worthy of my efforts? What rights do I have when I have been bought and paid for by Christ's blood? In truth I have no efforts, for all that I am is Christ's, and all my efforts are Christ's efforts. I can not say someone is not worth my personal goals because they are such and such a person and not such and such a person. Christ came and gave His life for just such and such a person, sinners great and small, of whom I am chief. In fact it is only in giving my life for just such and such a person, that I can attain any worth. This is exactly what Christ has called all Christians to do, just as He did, give their lives for undeserving people.
Lord, forgive me of my wretchedness and give me a heart for others rather than myself. Amen.
4 comments:
It takes an amazing heart to be able to come to that conclusion about yourself. My first instinct is to deny all that you have claimed about yourself, but it is true that only you and God have that accurate insight. I can only say that with such self-enlightentment and a spirit of repentance and striving for change, you are one giant step closer to being fit for that mate that you are seeking. In defense of one of your claims about yourself, though, I will say that, of all my friends and family, you were the one person who was kind enough to volunteer readily to keep Rad and give me a weekly break when I needed it so much. You will never know how much that meant to me, and I did feel loved by you in an enormous way. Even if it was only because you wanted to play with my sweet son!
Seth,
I appreciate the opportunity to interact with you on issues that are so important; not only to you but to me as well. I can identify with what you wrote. I can assure you that having a wife and children has not laid the struggle concerning love to rest for me by any means. To the contrary, it has heightened it. You would think that the natural affinity, joy, and affection that I have for Heather and the kids would make it a simple matter to sacrifice for them, but my selfishness is just as natural to me as the affection that I feel for them and my subtle strategies to justify this selfishness are so habitual that even the dinner table can be an internal warzone for me. It is a great mercy for God to have brought you to this clarity, and I hope that, in your prayers, you will remember me as a fellow failure in the arena of love. A friend of mine once challenged me profoundly with Paul's declaration (1 Tim. 3) that, in the latter days, men would be "lovers of self".
As beneficial as your newfound insight is, however, I believe that there is a danger in it. If Satan can't prevent the Lord from presenting a sin to our consciences, then he will do the next best thing by attempting to keep it before our consciences perpetually without any view to the grace that Christ has made available to His brothers and sisters. Repentance is to be a prod to godly action (ala 2 Cor. 7) and not merely an occasion to dwell on sin, failure and inadequacy. Resist the temptation to focus exclusively on self loathing. Abhorrence of evil is only half of repentance. Affection for goodness is just as necessary. We demonstrate the sincerity of our affection and our hatred by our choices. You can do all things through Christ's strength. You are a child begotten because of the love of God and you are begotten to love. Keep straining toward the prize as God carries on His work in you ... to completion.
If I have been at all presumptuous, please forgive me.
Rina, thanks, and I am sorry I helped so little. As amazingly cute as Radnor is, I know his dirty diapers still stink, and he makes a lot of them, and you probably could have used a break more often. I wish I could say that I am able to see my sin because I am so insightful, but instead I believe it is because my sin is so immense. But even this is a gift of God, for I am not totally blind.
Sam, if you have been presumptuous (and I do not believe you have), I know it is only in seeking my good. I will make a concentrated effort to remember you. This (prayer) is still the external work that I most struggle with, but one I am determined by God's grace to grow in. I agree that wallowing in the mire is a temptation I may be prone to, but I am seeking to do better. That is just it though. Doing is not wholly the problem, for if all I had to do was end my trip and give all my money to the poor, I could do it, but it is my heart that is selfish and does not love. No deed will change that but only the supernatural power of the Spirit. I sincerely entertained the idea of ending my trip and moving to Africa (and it is still in my mind), but for now think that it is best that I redeem this time for preparation for whatever it is God will have me do.
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