Recollections on sin (how nice it would be to feel this way before I sin)

Sin is interesting isn't it. We keep it close to us and cherish, nourish, protect and defend it while making excuses for it's failings like it's a dear child or best friend who loves us just as much as we love it. In the end it shows it's true nature, that it hates us and all the while has been orchestrating our destruction. This lying and betraying is enough in and of itself to make it loathsome and should cause us to hate it and stop cherishing, nourishing, protecting, defending and excusing it, but alas, in a year, month, week or even a day at times, we are told and believe the same lie, and again draw it in close. We make all kinds of excuses for it such as, “Well I'm so much more holy now.”, “I'll be ready this time.”, “That was just a fluke.”, “I can control it now.” or any number of others. I'm sure you can think of your own favorite justifications. The incredible illogicalness of believing any one of these lies is ample enough proof for me that there must be an actual being, commonly referred to as the Devil, who has been practicing lying for 6000+ years and has mastered it to such a degree that we mere mortals in and of ourselves are helpless not to believe him. Our only hope is to reject our minds' musings and cling to that supernatural truth, God's spoken word the Bible and His Son, the Living Word made flesh, Jesus Christ. With the help of these and the Holy Spirit who enlightens us to Truth, we can resist the Devil's onslaught. Without them we will be laid waste.

If we would only accept our limitations (I cannot bring fire into my bosom and not get burned. I want to think I can, and I think I should be able to, but the truth of the matter is, I can't.) and not flirt with sin, imagine the pain and sorrow we would avoid. This I think may be Satan's most clever lie regarding sin, and perhaps the one I am most prone to believe. With some sins, I've accepted the lie so many times that I'm actually starting to catch on. Now I'll admit it has taken 27 years, and I still fall to them often, but sometimes I'm able to resist. It's not as though Satan has never encountered someone willing to fight him though or who has survived his first attack. He simply pulls out his second arrow, “There won't be any consequences for it. You can get away with it.” and fires away. The Christian, whose resistance is based not on the fact that sin is wrong, against the character of God and therefore should be abstained from regardless of the consequences, but is rather based on the fact that there are consequences for sinning, is totally disarmed and left with no defense. And so he, myself being one heck of an example of such a Christian, goes and sins, thinking that God won't require payment for this sin. Oh, of course there was payment. It is sin, and Christ had to pay for it, but He already did that (I mean to make that sound cheap. It's not. It's the most glorious event in human history, but the way I wrote it is often the way I treat it). What I mean is that the Christian, today tomorrow or whenever, won't have to suffer for it. Ah, again how much pain and suffering we would avoid if we did not think that we could get away with it. Your sin will find you out. It will cost you. God may and probably will be merciful and not chastise you to the degree that He could (You probably won't get an STD from that one-night stand, but you could.), but make no mistake, there will be chastisement (If indeed you are a child of God. If you aren't a child of God, then there won't be any chastisement, just unrelenting supernatural wrath for eternity). As a child of God, if you are fortunate, no one but Christ on the cross and you will suffer for your sin . At best it will be mental anguish for you alone to bear. Much worse is possible and even common. Many men have totally destroyed the lives of the ones who they supposedly loved the most and in the end were left with nothing because they thought there would not be any consequences. At worst, I don't even know the possibilities.

I say all this not for my readers. I say it for myself as I am in the midst of receiving the consequences for my sin. As I wait to see who will suffer along with me and how extensive the damage will be, God has at last brought me to one of those moments of clarity when I feel like I must write something to hopefully spare myself future hardship. Perhaps you can benefit as well. This is one I may suffer for a long time for. The last one like this was about 8 years ago, and I still suffer from it. This one's worse, so the rest of my life isn't out of the question. Others may suffer just as long. May, but hopefully not. God is awfully merciful and awfully gracious. Some have sinned greatly, and God miraculously made the consequences very small. He could do that for me. I believe He has the power, but I don't know that He will. I'm afraid He might say, “Seth, I tried giving you a lesson with lesser consequences, but you didn't learn. You will suffer now. This burden will not be light. And you will know that you have made others suffer as well. Their burden will not be light as well. And it is you who put that burden on them. See them suffer and know that you, Seth, are the cause.” That is what I am afraid God is going to show me as things unfold. All that for three reasons. The first being that I believed Satan when he said there wouldn't be consequences. The second being that I based my obedience on whether or not there will be consequences rather than on what is right in the sight of God. The third being that I'm a selfish bastard who cares more about himself than anyone else.

Whoever you are reading this, my general disposition towards you is probably that I'm smarter than you, better looking than you, more athletic than you, a better Christian than you and a host of other things (and yet despite all this I'd probably somehow also include in there that I'm more humble than you). Now I say this is my general disposition. It is not my current disposition. I don't really have a disposition towards you right now because I can't see you. I have no eyes, and I am laying outside in the grass. The reason I am doing this is because I am dog shit. If you can think of a more derogatory term then insert it instead. Maybe pig shit. That's probably most appropriate all things considered. Or maybe the shit from the dog that ate it's own vomit. That's fairly low. I consider myself in those categories. Again, if you have anything more derogatory, I claim that title as my own. The very superlatives that I pride myself on make my sin all the more grievous. I have read very good books. I have sat under very good ministers and heard countless solid, biblical sermons. I have very good Christian friends. I have felt communion with God to the degree that everything on earth became as loss. I think I understand to some degree the mystery of the cross. I think I have a higher view of God than most, and a lower view of man than most, and thus view the great chasm that Christ crossed to redeem me doubly greater than most. And yet, I said, not literally but in effect, to hell with you Christ. Thanks for going to the cross so I can sin. I'll repent later but for now I'd rather sin.

Damn me. I know I won't burn for this or any other sin, but whatever pain and suffering God brings, I'll deserve it and more. God, pour out your wrath on me. Let me suffer for my failings, but please be merciful to anyone else who suffers on account of me.

Will you work even this for good? Will I someday praise You for this trial? It seems impossible, but I trust Your ways are so much higher than mine that this web of sin I've woven will work itself into the beautiful tapestry of my life that glorifies You, Most High and Exalted God.

I'm sorry, God. Thank You for forgiving me. Thank You for loving me. I don't know why You do. I don't think You should, but I'm glad You do. Whatever happens, I know that as long as You love me then everything will be okay. I love You, God. I know I don't act like it, and I know I usually love myself more, but I do love You. I want to love You more. I don't want to be a selfish, prideful bastard. I want to be humble and serving like Christ. Please help me.