What to do with a wasted life.

Well, since I am actually taking the time to update my blog, you must know that something has happened. Not that anything just happened, but the cumulative effects of many things have finally compounded enough to bring me to my knees and the end of myself. The world, and everything in it, has once again disappointed me (as it always has and always will).

I had thought that God had given me my greatest desire, that of a wife, but God is a jealous God, and He will not share His glory with any of His creations. And so He took that gift away because it had become an idol to me. And I am left with only my unrequited love (which I believe is the only true pain) and the bankruptcy of my life. That is the only way I can describe my life. I'm like a business that God poured time, energy and funds into, but through waste, frivolity, poor management and wicked dealings has run itself into the ground. And yet God has continually propped it up by pouring more time, energy and money into it and thus spared me the consequences. Will I ever do something with my life? Will it ever matter? Besides some tears from my family and a couple of friends, some kind words at my funeral, there would be no loss to the cause of Christ if I left this world. I would just be another one who wasted his life and barely made it to heaven, as through flames. As it is now my only true joy comes in contemplating that this life cannot last forever and one day, even soon if God is gracious, all my pain, suffering, sin and wickedness will be done. My cry will no longer be,

Oh death, where is your embrace.

When will your arms wrap around me

Oh death, where is your kiss

When will your sweet lips touch mine

but rather,

Oh Christ, here is your embrace

Will this really last forever

Oh Christ, here is your kiss

You are more beautiful than I imagined

If God would only tell me where my life might end, I would seek it out with abandonment. If He would only tell me when, even if 100 years from now, I would begin to anxiously count down the days. If my life had any purpose, if anyone were benefiting from my testimony, I could say as Paul, “If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body." but I cannot. There is nothing I am torn between. For me to remain is wasteful and to die is all gain. Since I thus far have no significant (if any) fruit, death is all the more lovely. Would it be wrong for me to pursue that avenue that holds the greatest possibility for each individually and both together? Does the fact that I perhaps selfishly want the privilege of dying for Christ disqualify me? Do my years of wastefulness disqualify me? Or will God help me to bear fruit?