I use 'saint' loosely and merely as a literary ploy. For any who have read The Confessions of Saint Augustine, the title and our particular area of struggle is the extent of the similitude between the proceeding work and that brilliant piece of literature.
This is, in a way, a bringing together of many of my recent musings. From my own personal failings and that of my family (of which I am a part) to the more general failings of churches (of which again I am a part), this is my attempt to destroy whatever good there is in my name, that I might have no pride in anything, save Christ and Him crucified (Galatians 6:14). Indeed, the world has been crucified to me, and I am invincible. As John G. Paton said, “I am immortal until God's work for me to do is done.” If God is for me, who can stand against me? (Romans 8:31) And who dares to bring a charge against God's Elect? It is God who justifies. (Romans 8:33) If the whole world were arrayed against me, I would, I trust, stand just as firm as Athanasius until they could not help but say, “Seth contra mundum”, “Seth against the world”. It is impossible for me to care less what you think of me. My hope and worth are completely bound up in the person of Christ and His work, and there it rests securely, untouchable. This is at last my disposition. It is only from this position that I feel safe enough to write this. My sincere desire is that you will join me. Free yourself from secret guilt and shame. Cast off the shackles of that easily besetting sin. Acknowledge your sinfulness and seek the Divine Help. How many wallow in sin because they refuse to admit it to themselves? And of those that can admit it, how many fight alone, whose struggling only sink them deeper and deeper into the quicksand? Brothers, sisters, we must help these poor tortured souls! They are your brothers. They are your sisters. They will be your children. I throw myself out there. Whatever sin you struggle with, I have committed it. If not in deed, in mind. And if not in deed, it is only because of an inability, not undesirability. I am a wretch of the first magnitude. I am kin to Hitler, Stalin, Dahmer, LaVey, the Pharisees and... Paul. But just saying that doesn't mean much. And so I will show you the darkness of my heart. It is not a pretty sight
(I will remain somewhat general, not to keep things hidden, but for the purity of any who read it. I cannot recommend you read it. I don't know if it will make you struggle. If you wish, you may skip down to the “Now really, why do I” paragraph. You should avoid the sordidness with that.)
Though I'm sure many people could rattle off a lengthy list of my sinful tendencies (and be correct), in some ways, I don't even care about those sins. They are splinters in my foot compared to the beam I know I have in my eye. Not that they in and of themselves are not damnable, but I've never thought it very profitable to spend time cleaning the dirt under my fingernails when I knew I was going to go jump in the pigsty later. Such is, and always has been, the case of lust in my life. I am currently it's master, and have brought it into submission over the last two years, but I hang by a double stranded thread. Those strands are some dear brothers in Christ and the Holy Spirit. Without either of them (Yes, either. Apart from my Christian brothers, the Holy Spirit has not been enough), I know I would immediately run back to it. Ah, perhaps I could last a few weeks or a month, but eventually and certainly, I would run back to it.
My first exposure to pornography was at quite a young age, I assume around five or six. And yes, I can remember some of those images twenty plus years later. At the time I didn't even know what I was looking at, but I knew I I liked it. Since that time I believe I've been addicted to it. Even in times when there was none available, I was addicted to it. Even now, though I do not indulge myself, I am addicted to it. There is nothing I would rather do (except have sex) than look at porn. If someone where to ask me, “Seth, would you like to go climbing, hiking, photographing, out to your favorite restaurant then come back and talk theology?” and I were going to be honest I'd say, “No, I'd rather look at porn.” “But all your friends and family are going to be there.” “That's nice. I'd rather look at porn.” That may come across as an exaggeration, but despite that scenario never having been played out, were the questions asked and were I honest, that's exactly how it would go down. Nor do I say it for shock value. I simply want you to have an accurate view of who I am. It's not that I want that to be my preference, it just is. The Spirit of God can change it, but I cannot anymore than you can arbitrarily change your deep seated preferences. I don't think most people have much to correlate the consuming and obsessive nature of lust with in their lives. An alcoholic might. An OCD person probably does.
If I had lived my life merely with this preference and disposition without any indulgence, than that would be one thing. But I have not. The vast majority of my life has been unabashed abandonment to it. College was not a very good time for me. I don't know what the ratio would be for time spent looking at porn compared to time spent studying, eating and everything besides going to class and sleeping, but it's certainly higher than 2:1. Were I a blatant pagan whose conscience has been so seared or who grew up with abuse or with no knowledge of God and the Bible, that would one thing. But again, I did not.
That is merely the external. The depravity of my thought life is beyond description. The only figures I can use to approximate the imaginative fornications I've conceived would be akin to the number of my heart beats, the number of steps I've taken or the number of breathes I've taken. It is incalculable. And since lust is adultery and the women I have imagined haven't consented, I'm a rapist hundreds of thousands of times over.
This is who I am. Your son, your brother, your friend, Seth Walters. This is me.
Sorry to disappoint.
Now really, why do I say all of this? Surely I can not give a crap about your opinion of me without intentionally destroying your opinion of me. In fact, going to all this trouble to give you a bad opinion of me is evidence that I do in fact care what type of opinion you have of me. So if I really do find all my worth in Christ, why write? Why set up some awkward moments with any who read it next time I see them or make my most embarrassing and complete failures available to the public? Perhaps more than any other, this blog is for your benefit. For almost the entirety of my Christian life, I have walked without the Spirit. Not that He ever fully left me, but my sins so grieved Him, He could not or would not exert His power in my life. I wonder how much farther in my Christian life I could be had I spent the last ten years in communion with Him. I'm sure I'd be much more holy and much more humble about it. So that is what I missed. What I got instead was an unbearable burden that has oppressed me for the vast majority of my life. Loneliness, guilt, shame and failure are the words that most characterize it. There is a self-loathing that comes from this that you cannot understand unless you've experienced it. Pondering death has often been my only relief. And I am afraid, and unfortunately confident, that you, your brother, your husband, your son or perhaps even your sister, wife or daughter may be now, or will in the future endure what I have endured. Someone you know's life, though a child of God and fellow heir with Christ, may be devastated and made useless by an addiction to pornography. For any in the midst of it, I am here for you. Whatever sin it is, there is victory in Christ. It doesn't matter if it's my struggle or not. Christ can overcome it. Homosexuality, bitterness from being abused, abusing others, whatever it is, I know your bondage. I know your fear of men. I know all around you are a bunch of condemning hypocrites. I know that death seems better than confession. But it's a lie. Satan has deceived you. If you only begin you will see the beauty of it, but you can't do it alone. Have you not learned that by now? You will never have victory in your own struggles. Let me help you. Let me show you Christ's love. There is joy immeasurable on the other side. Please, with all I am, I beg you. Join me. I have tasted it. It is so sweet. James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another,” Why? “that you may be healed.” Please, be healed.
For the rest, though you didn't throw me into the quicksand, you didn't help me get out either. Had it not been for some faithful and loving brothers, I'd have drowned there. Had I made shipwreck of the faith, your surprise would have been genuine, even though my course was set towards destruction all the while. Oh, you offered help, right in the midst of saying, “Anyone who does that is the worst type of person. Do you do that?” And while now I can boldly respond, “Yeah. And Christ forgave me and still loves me, but your self righteousness will damn you to hell unless you repent.”, for years I could not. And there are many who still cannot. Your attitude keeps them from crying out. Your condemning and judgmental attitude is why they are afraid to confess, repent and “be healed”. If there is any sin or issue that you assume no true Christian would struggle with, then when one does (and most definitely there is not one but legions), they won't come to you. And if that's the prevailing mindset of the family or the church, then they won't go there either. They'll hide it. They'll fight with all their might, but alone, and ultimately to no avail. Some will, by the miraculous grace of God, survive. Many won't. One of them will be the next Dahmer, another just your average serial killer, another a serial rapist and another a pedophile. We the church, and believers individually, are God's instruments of grace in this world. If not us, then who and what has God given to rescue poor wretched souls from Satan's grasp? The Holy Spirit indeed, but He does not work in a mystic, ghostly way . He works through His word and through His people. We are His hands! As corny as that sounds.
For you parents, if there's any sin that you tell your children is so bad, then you can be certain, when they commit that sin, they won't be coming to you. And for your daughters, if there's any sin you isolate to be “a guy's problem”, then if your daughters have sexual struggles (which is becoming more and more common), then rest assured, they won't come to you. They'll think themselves wicked, evil and perhaps even psychotic, but they won't come to you. And thus, when the infant sin is just taking root and could with but two fingers be plucked from the ground of your child's heart and thrown into the fire, they will hide it from you and allow it to grow. Not that they want to. Not that they don't hate the guilt, but you have forced their deception. Their desire for your love and approval keeps them from bringing that particular issue to you, their parents. And years later, if by God's grace they are able to mortified it, the tree may be dead, but it's roots will have grown so deep that only the resurrection will fully cleanse them. That is where I have been left. The tree has been cut down, but I may always have to fight the new ones that spring up from it's roots. The time of my life of greatest mental aptitude and physical prowess is gone, wasted on fleeting images. I am, more than likely, too scarred to ever marry. The new man could never settle for anyone less than a model of Christian character and above average intelligence, but the old man could never settle for anyone who didn't look like a model. I rejoice that God has saved me, but oh how much the locusts have eaten. Please God, spare my nephews from such a life as I have lived. Kill me rather than have them repeat my mistakes.
So that's why I've thrown myself under the bus. Maybe it'll be easier for someone else to now. Or maybe someone who's already under can get out now. Maybe somebody else will and then another, and eventually the whole of Christendom will be throwing themselves under the bus to help those burdened brothers and sisters in Christ who have been under there for years, constantly being run over by Satan and getting tire tracks down their backs.
Father, forgive me. For these sins and for the sins I've let others fight against alone and for all the rest.
I surrender myself fully to you again. I am your vessel, though weak, ignorant and despicable. Please use me still. May I bring some glory to your name?
Below is one of my favorite hymns. I was so encouraged to hear Mars Hill sing it and privileged to take part. I cannot think of it without tearing up, nor will I ever be able to write something that so well expresses my hope.
What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Chorus
Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
For my pardon, this I see,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
For my cleansing this my plea,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Chorus
Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Nothing can for sin atone,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
Naught of good that I have done,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Chorus
Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
This is all my hope and peace,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
This is all my righteousness,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Chorus
Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
As a final qualification, if what I've written doesn't apply to you, then it doesn't apply to you. Don't be a little baby and gripe about my generalizations. Yes, I know not every family and every church is like this, but many, if not most, if not almost all, are like this. Use this as a time to thank God for His blessings on you and pray for everyone else. If you were already convinced, be encouraged, the tide may be turning. If you were convicted, repent and change. If you think I'm way off, you're an idiot, but I'm glad you read it anyway.
The idiot comment was said in jest. If you think I'm way off, I think you're wrong. (This is pathetic. I have to qualify my qualifications.)
Oh, and my apologies if you're offended by my forthrightness, but that's also the attitude that's allowing this issue to destroy the church. My email is in my profile if any wish to correspond privately.
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4 comments:
Seth,
This was one of the most amazing pieces you’ve written. I applaud your openness and hope that it will result in helping others overcome their sin and convince the church to be more accepting of those who struggle so severely. And I will pray that you remain victorious over your own struggles. I still have images burned into my mind from catching my father viewing porn when I was seven or eight, so I can’t even imagine the library of images you have stored that the enemy will continue to use against you. I pray that you have a strong support group now that will continue to help you overcome the temptations you will face in the future. As a woman, I don’t feel it’s my place to offer help in this area, but I do want you to know that I love you as a brother and if there’s anything I can do to help in this or any other area, I’m here for you. I am now convinced that you are available should I ever need you, and I assure you that is invaluable.
I completely agree that parents and fellow Christians should be more accepting and less condemning. After all, we all sin. We all know this and most are exceedingly willing to admit it. But unfortunately most will add in their thoughts, “We all sin, but at least I don’t do THAT.” This primarily results with the sinner having no where to turn except back to the sin.
I have a similar story to your own, but admittedly mine seems to pale in comparison as my sin does not have a comparable grip on my entire being as yours did and still potentially does. My sin was sex outside of marriage. When I began becoming physically active (while still a virgin) I knew how extreme my family and members of the church would criticize me (not just the sin) had I made it known to them. So rather than seek help and accountability, I kept it secret. The physical activity quickly progressed to sex. Knowing how much more my family and fellow Christians would object, I had no where to turn except back into the arms of men – and more sex. This pattern continued for years until eventually a child came into the picture. I could no longer keep my sin a secret. Still, when I told my family and others, they were unable to mask their disappointment. And their disappointment was not because of the sin – but because the sin was exposed to all. Their reaction reaffirmed my fears. They were more concerned that I appear flawless than they were striving that my heart be purified. If ANY of us EVER have that viewpoint, it needs to be corrected immediately for the sake of us all.
Concerning having a child outside of marriage, a good friend once told me, “We all sin. My sins just aren’t as life-altering.” I find that to be a much more helpful attitude to have. Too bad I met her about 15 years too late.
Ironically, my final inspiration for triumph over my sin was the very result of the sin itself - my son. Knowing how closely children mimic their parents, I have been on a very strict program to perfect myself – as a Christian, a woman, a friend, and a mother. I know perfection in any area of my life is probably unattainable, but it’s still my goal and with Christ’s help I intend to continue striving for it daily.
My dear brother,
I have held off reading this knowing the topic and knowing it would be difficult for me, as your sister both by blood and in Christ, to read it. All I can say is my heart has broken for you. I am sorry I was not there or at least not in tune to your struggle. As we have talked, we both know we held a belief that our family was too "righteous" to understand any such sinful struggle. I pray you have forgiven us and can understand that sometimes parenting and being a part of a family is what it is. Mom and Dad were never and will never be perfect, for to be a perfect parent, you fail in other ways (teaching your child that perfection is the goal above all else is in and of itself, in my opinion, an imperfection). I have always cherished the advice mom gave me in regards to parenting, "Try to be a good enough parent." I treasure her advice because she holds no belief that she was a perfect mother (or perfect Christian)and also because she raised a family of five. Obviously, we as a family failed you in a major way, but somehow by the grace of God, He is reigning victorious in your life. Praise God! I appreciate your concern for your nephews, and it is my prayer that I can be a humble enough wife, mother and Christian to keep the lines of communication open with those around me who indeed might struggle with lust and pornography. It is indeed wrecking our families and we must as Christians (both in our families and in our church) do something about it. I had no idea you had exposure to porn at such an early age- it angers me and frightens me as 24 years ago, access to porn was not what it is to day. With the increased ease of access to the internet and the secretiveness that can be had with the internet, the risk and is great and the cost is high. You have opened my eyes to the fact that this is not a topic to wait and discuss with Caleb and Eli when they are 10 or 12, but one that we must keep an open dialogue about even in the next couple of years. Thank you for your honesty. I know God is as we speak using the power of your testimony. I love you.
Thanks, Katie. Your response is exactly what I was hoping for and makes whatever embarrassment I suffer well worth it.
Seth,
I am thankful to God for the grace that He has given you to make a clean breast of such a difficult issue in your life. I know that the Lord will use your openness in great ways. My prayer is that He puts you in a place where you can comfort others with the comfort you have yourself received.
Personally, I find that hypocrisy is one of the easiest attitudes to fall into. It is so natural to give others the impression that you have no "great" faults and that you are someone to be admired. Not because the grace of God has been richly poured out on you, but just because you are a "great person". This, as you have pointed out, is a false impression that conceals the truth rather than revealing it. Pray that Heather and I might be authentic witnesses to our children and that we might count everything as a loss next to the privilege of expressing with our hearts and lives the inexpressible quality of Christ. Ironically, in my line of work, in which I deal with so many hurting and "spectacularly" self destructive people, it can be easy for me to please myself that, "I am not like this tax collector" and forget that it is only by the grace of God that I am what I am. I am constantly aware of the danger of putting burdens on the backs of others that I myself cannot bear. Pray that I might have a heart of compassion born out of the realization of who and what I am.
My prayer for you has for sometime been that you might find rest in the Lord and a place of usefulness to His body. I know that coming clean about this issue has not been easy for you, but I appreciate your candor and pray that the Lord will use it. I don't always understand you, but I do love you.
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